am i emotionally unavailable?

 I can usually have about three bad days in a row before I start to get worried about myself. A bad day can be categorized by a few things: 

1. I barely got any sleep the night before, and it's obviously affecting my mind and body.

2. There's something on my mind from the night before and it's unfortunately carried over into the next day, still weighing on me.

3. I'm fighting with my parents (or someone else important in my life.)

4. I feel lonely and isolate myself for the whole day.

5. I spend the whole day on my phone. 

I might be a person with a low baseline happiness -- I don't require a lot to be content. But I think that also interferes with my ability to connect with others on a deeper level. Sometimes it's pretty obvious too. My other friends just treat each other differently, and it's because I'm the problem. I'm reserved around a lot of people, even my family most of the time. When there is nothing to say, I don't say it. Recently, I think these traits are really coming back to bite me in the ass. But that's kinda just me, I don't know what else to do about that. Authenticity is more valuable than false niceties. 

Anyway, I've had about five bad-to-neutral days in a row, and I'm just wanting to complain about it. I don't complain out loud a lot, so allow me to make space for it here. 

A critical social aspect of me is lost and I don't know where I dropped it. 

Next time I won't be as gloomy and wallowing as I am today, but until next time, cheers.

struggling to feel comfortable with the choices i've made

Uncertainty is something I know will be a constant throughout my life, like a friend holding my hand. I deeply struggle to grow into the uncertainty, and to understand that everyone has it and is probably experiencing the same emotions as me. Nowhere is this feeling more prominent than in the career path I chose, journalism. 

The thing is, I love writing and connecting with a large audience. I like the principles of journalism and its importance in our societal function. It is necessary. But, do I really see myself covering hard news for the rest of my life? Honestly, no. And that's not the kind of journalist I would strive to be. 

Before I even changed my major about two years ago, I imagined that was the life I was destined for: living in a cramped apartment, books and papers strewn about and all I can focus on is my hectic work schedule. Enticing, but simply, it felt as though it were a distraction to something much greater. 

It might be immature to assume that is the only life path available with my degree, which I know is not true. However, seeing friends and peers graduate and move on to their careers, they have all seemed to fall in line and pursue a similar lifestyle to what I described above. That thought alone makes the idea of myself moving on with my career to be a very real choice I've made. How can I know that I'm on the right track?

I'm young, there's lots of life left. Even though it's easy to give into all the possible "what-ifs" and "could-haves", the strength to accept the current life path must prevail. But truly, sometimes it also feels like I am destined for something greater--is that too selfish of me to assume? Even though the idea of fading into the background seems comfortable, there are parts of me that call out to this fantasy and are increasingly hard for me to ignore.

Fantasy is wild because you really can believe yourself to be anything. Truthfully, I can't even imagine would my "something greater" would even look like. Do I have hobbies and passions? Yes. Do I want to devote my entire soul and being into one single thing? I don't know. I am not one of those people who are placed on Earth and are destined to one thing, like they were born to do it. 

I was always kind of jealous of those people. Effortless. 

But at the end of the day, I'm a broke college student who still believes the world revolves around her...how unique. I hope I don't come off as too whiny here, it's hard for me to talk about these kind of feelings without feeling like some self-obsessed freak. Anyway, that's all I have for today. Until next time, cheers! 

moving in / the pit of summer

 This summer, I was gifted with the opportunity of packing up my cramped two-bedroom apartment, and fleeing to a spacious, six-bedroom, two-story home just across town. The best part? I'm living with my closest friends I've made since moving to Chico, and of course, my hometown best friend. 

The huge window brings in so much natural light!  

The house itself is to die for: bright turquoise exterior with outstretching limbs of lavender plants sprawling across the front yard. It's a historical home -- the property's land deed was gifted from the founders of the town I live in. the archways all have a curvature to them, a strong indicator that the integrity of the home is preserved in its original form. A brick chimney tunnels into a beautiful, working fireplace in the living room, the mantle adorned with nails in it for stocking during the holiday season. The downstairs bathroom is adorable (and pink!), and the kitchen floor is tiled in a checkerboard pattern. 

But truly, the showstopper in my eyes is the upstairs. All of the bedrooms are so adorable, they all have such a cozy vibe to them because they all have a kind of loft ceiling. My bedroom is up here, naturally. I took the one with the most windows, because I know that I'll be able to watch the seasons change from my room. I imagine watching the rain pour down during the fall, and the birds chirping in the spring. Right now though, it's fucking hot, and arguably the worst room to have during the scorching summer. 

Saying goodbye to the old apartment was kind of sentimental. She treated us so well, with care. It was the first place I called home away from my parents. It was the first place I did a lot of things: hosted a party, smoked indoors, helped my best friend get through a breakup. She's seen the ugliest sides of me, but I know she's seen the best too. It's weird to completely abandon a place you've spent so much time in. In a way, it's a breakup within itself. 

It's also a new beginning. I can tell this new home is going to create so many memories. I've only lived in it for a few weeks but it's already full of stories. 

Summer is a weird time for me, always. I feel like I should love it, but really, it's my least favorite part of the year, if it really came down to it. I'm born during the summer (June 28, never forget it), so I always think this should be my most transformative period of the year, but really it always seems like the most intense. I fight with my parents, I feel out of place in situations that should feel comfortable, the list goes on. 

This is a special summer, though because it's the first one where I'm spending a majority of it away from my family, and not in San Diego. It's a breath of fresh air to be away, but I find myself feeling a little nostalgic for the things I used to do. I remember the salty air always blowing in my hair from the ocean, walking on the warm sidewalk while the sun paints the sky a beautiful collage of pinks and oranges, the purple jacaranda flowers falling from my backyard tree. My mom would get so annoyed when they got stuck to our shoes and we tracked them through the house. 

I enjoy the freedom, and the peace. But I also miss the chaos of scrambling for a family trip, remembering a toothbrush on the way out. In those moments I dreamed of the life I live now, so maybe I just want what I can't have. 

Clearly, there is lots to think about. Until next time, cheers! 

outfit evolution

Hi.

I've been thinking a lot about my fashion choices, primarily because seasons are changing, and it's starting to become my favorite time of year for fashion. I am a fan of layering in an outfit, and when it becomes too hot, basically all opportunity for that melts away with the snow. 

Fashion has always been a part of my life. I liked to dress up, wear my nana's old opera costumes and prance around the house like a celebrity. Even when I was a strange middle schooler I still thought I had fashion sense (I promise that I absolutely didn't, you'll see in these photos). And today, I think I am pretty proud of the way I choose to express myself. 

Today I thought I would take you on my journey through aesthetics, countless thrifted tops and interesting haircuts. 

Starting off strong with one of my FAVORITE outfits in middle school. I think this was in seventh grade, and I had just gotten this top at old navy to replace one that I had in a different pattern. 

These shorts were from Nordstrom and my grandma had bought them for me as a birthday present. I thought I was such a cool girl because they were from Nordstrom, I don't think I ever gotten anything from there unless she bought it for me. 

I loved my white Converse high-top shoes, so much to the point they started to turn yellow after only a year of having them. 

This photo was taken on my beloved iPhone 5S, I still miss her everyday.

You guys...I really thought this was so aesthetic. I remember taking this and thinking it was going to go viral on Tumblr because of the shirt I was wearing...obviously it didn't. 

I really loved this shirt for some reason. I got it from an online order, but they accidentally sent it to me, so I just kept it. Long sleeve shirts were my absolute favorite during my sophomore year in high school, I have no idea why. It was never really cold where I lived (San Diego), so there was really no need to wear it. 

These shorts were so cute to me because they weren't super tight. They were one of my first H&M purchases -- a store where I thought cool girls shopped -- and I remember my mom thinking they were way too short. 

Uh-oh...heading into 2020 is moving into uncharted waters. This was really when I started trying out other aesthetics that were super trendy on TikTok and Instagram. Although at this point in time I still didn't have Instagram. 

I loved drinking Americanos from Starbucks for some reason -- I literally don't even like the flavor of their espresso on its own -- and I would add a sweetener for some reason. It did not taste good. 

I bought these jeans from an online store based in Asia and I was so worried they weren't going to fit. To my surprise they did, but as soon as I dried them they shrunk about three inches and I couldn't wear them again because they looked ridiculous. 

 I LOVED this cardigan, and I think I got it at the swap meet with my Dad. It had little details of flowers in light brown, and it was super warm. I lost it almost two months after I bought it.

Really starting to kick it into e-girl territory here. I dyed my hair this ridiculous teal color, and it basically stayed permanent in my head for about eight months, until I paid a hair stylist a ridiculous amount of money to get it out of my scalp. 

This shirt was from my dad, who loved Alice in Chains but hated this shirt for some reason. I loved wearing legwarmers with any outfit I possibly could and obviously this was no exception. 

This skirt was something I held onto from middle school. I bought it at Tilly's, which was another store I thought cool girls shopped at. 

These shoes were one of my proudest purchases from Poshmark. They were these darling platform loafer things that had such a thick heel. I thought they were so sassy. One day when I wore them to school, as I was walking to class the sole of one them completely snapped off, and I was unable to repair them. I miss them dearly.

Here's another outfit from 2021, with the hair dye still present and haunting me. This is when we first adopted one of our dogs, Rigby. 

I bought this floral skirt from Old Navy, one of the few places my Mom and I liked to go shopping together (although I must admit I haven't been in the past few years). 

The tank top was just something that was old and in my mom's closet I knew she wouldn't miss if I took. 

I thought this was so incredibly chic and "cottagecore" of me --- looking back at it now I'm not too sure if that's true. 

Doing things like this are so much fun to me, because I think there are little pieces of each moment that contribute to the outfits I still wear today, which is where we are headed next.

DISCLAIMER: I'm picking this back up after taking a few months off. I think even since I started drafting this post my personal style has already evolved into a different vision than what I thought I wanted in November.  Now, we get to move into my favorite part, showing you some of the outfits I've actually wearing recently, because I feel like it's only right for you to see this part of myself that I am particularly proud of. 

Here's an outfit I wore just a few weeks ago: as you can see, there are multiple layers to this outfit that make it seem a little more elevated. Underneath the jacket, I have a layered long sleeve and short sleeve top. 

I also added white tights to contrast the darkness of my skirt and boots combination, and I think it balances the outfit extremely well! I felt very confident walking around in this. 

As you can see, I love taking outfit photos in this mirror. This is essentially a variant of the first outfit, but I wanted to show that there can be a sort of "equation" when it comes to making a nice balanced outfit. You can reuse the same techniques while also adding a touch of uniqueness to it, completely changing the aesthetic of the outfit. 

In this outfit, using a hooded cardigan for the top layering piece gives off a different vibe than the sports jacket I wore i the picture above. These outfits also share a similar color scheme-- actually, most of my closet does honestly-- but it doesn't necessarily matter unless that is the focus you are going for. 

Color is not the first thing that comes into my mind when I am building an outfit in the morning, however, I would like to change that. 

I feel that color is extremely underrated when it comes to outfit creation. Especially right now, a lot of trending aesthetics revolve around the neutral base of navy, black, white and gray. Yes, I fall victim to this trap, but at least I'm aware! So, as a personal goal, I want to make more of an effort to add more color into my outfits in the year of 2026!

Finally, one of my last outfits is one that I wore at least weekly last semester. I simply adore this dress that I thrifted from my hometown store almost five years ago. 

In fact, it's really not even a dress, but definitely an old woman's nightgown, because unless I pin it in the back, it's quite possibly the most shapeless thing I own. Needless to say, it's not flattering unless I pin it, which also means there is usually a bunch of fabric on my back, so I pair it with a jacket. 

Since I wore this green zip-up (which is just another piece of clothing I'm obsessed with for some reason), I decided to wear a dark green tight underneath the dress so it would match the rest. My school bag is also green so this was a major win for me. 

I would like to proudly add that maybe 90% of my closet comes from thrift stores, friends or my mom, which also means sometimes they do not fit the best, and that is ok. 

Alright, well that just about wraps up this post. I really do love posting outfit photos and talking about my thought process, so maybe I will continue this and turn it into a "mini series" of sorts. But who knows, there are lots of things to consider. Until next time, cheers! 

little video

 I made a small video for a class I'm in, but I quite like it and I want to share it here too! The song is Duk Koo Kim by Sun Kil Moon, one of my favorite songs of all time! I hope you like it. 

new year same life

 Hello all, it's been so long since I've last seen you! I thought I would engage with this blog a bit more over my winter break, but honestly, I was just not motivated at all! 

I had a pretty rough winter break in terms of my family, someone close to me has passed and I think it's the first time I've really truly struggled with a loss. I had another relative die, but I was too mentally young to process it. 

I returned back to my college town and was greeted with the same bitter cold I reluctantly abandoned about a month ago. It's not even that I missed it, but that I longed for it when the southern air became too thick with salty ocean air for my tired lungs.

Something takes it out of me when I go home to southern California. I feel like I become a completely different version of myself, slipping away from my grounded soul in northern California.

The funny thing is, too, is that I don't even necessarily love northern California or what is in it. I simply long for the life I have built on my own the the constituents who take part in it. I miss my friends. I miss my apartment which houses those friends when I want to have a party. I miss the city that takes place in. 

Even though I haven't done much since I returned, there is a particular weight that gets lifted up from my chest when I am away from my previous life. Like I have no responsibility, like I don't owe anyone anything. 

School feels like a drag this semester. I don't feel like I am going to love my classes like I did last semester, and that's ok. It just makes my miniscule motivation levels dwindle even more. There's even a class I have that only allows two (2) absences for the whole semester! This is horrible news for someone like me, who loves to miss out on a class every once in a while (at least five times per semester).

It truly isn't a problem for me, though. I can still keep up with the class while not necessarily taking part in the in-person events of it. I don't think that will pass as an explanation to my professors, but it's worth pleading a case to you. 

Other than school, the only thing consuming my life right now is reality television! This is so funny for someone like me, because I never watched reality TV until this year. The show that got me hooked was none other than The Traitors, a Peacock original. 

If you don't know the plot of the show, essentially a bunch of reality TV (and other famous adjacent people) gather in a mansion in the Scottish countryside, hosted by Alan Cumming, and they all must indulge in a murderous survival game. A grand prize is earned throughout the show through missions, and the contestants must figure out who the traitors are if they want to win the prize. It's truly such a good premise, and people are willing to get nasty with each other it's really shocking.

My friends and I watched season three in less than five days. We just loved all of the people they had on: Dylan Efron (yes), BOSTON ROB!!, Bob the Drag Queen, etc.  All of them were just fabulous in the show. 

Don't even get me started on the cast of season four...ROB RAUSCH, Lisa Rinna, Tara Lipinski?! I can't wait to catch up with the season. 

Reality TV makes me feel like I learn about people's thought processes. I see their decisions being made based on relationships they have and the ones they don't. I'd like to believe my empathy grows with each episode I consume, even if that isn't entirely true. 

This year I feel a lot of change is going to spring up in my life. I'm excited, but I'm also nervous. I want to see what the world is going to offer me, and I plan on accepting it with an open embrace. 

Obviously my intentions remain pure to upload more on this blog, but I don't want to stay too firm in case I break my promise yet again. Until next time, cheers! 

one year anniversary!

Hey everyone, it's been a while! 

It's officially been one year since I started this blog, and I can't believe it's been that long. I will say even though it's been a year, I've really only been active on here for like six months. 

Things have changed in my life, most definitely. I thought I would post some highlights of the past year and share some of my favorite memories! 

I met the sweetest cat in my neighborhood, I think she was a kitten when I first met her. She was just so sweet and made me think about how special her features were! Siamese colors are my soft spot in cats, and she was quite literally that. 

This was taken in January of this year, when I was feeling pretty down about myself. I found a lot of solace in visiting these stray cats when I needed some time to myself, it was very therapeutic

. 

This photo was taken by my beautiful best friend, Megan. She took a photography class, and got really into taking photos wherever we journeyed to. 

I go to school in Northern California, and I feel like I am always blown away by how beautiful it is. This is literally just off the side of the road. 

I remember thinking this photo was one of my favorites of myself. I just feel like I look like a nomad, so different to the person I actually am. This was also taken in January, but I just had to include this because it's just too good! 

At this point, I decided I needed to do more in my community, because I was feeling pretty isolated and lonely. This is the first time I lived away from home, and I was unsure of my surroundings. 

This is a photo of our dear friend, BW, the apartment complex cat. We have a complicated relationship with her, starting with the name we bestowed upon her: She is simply called BW because it stands for Bitch Warlock. She's honestly evil sometimes, it's so confusing.

Coincidentally, the name is a double entendre because she also looks like a bat, hence why she could also be called Batwoman (BW). 

Basically every time we sit out on our balcony, she'll pay us a visit -- some happier than others. She's really sweet when she wants to be, but when she's mean she's mean...such a complex girl. 

Wow, moving into April it was so hard for me to choose a picture to describe it. This is really when things start turning around, and I'm starting to feel more secure about living up here. 

At this point, I've finally made some good friends, and I'm spending much more time on campus. 

This baby goat was some sort of therapy goat, not sure why but my friends and I all had an opportunity to hold one and we couldn't pass that up. Spring is so beautiful here.

Surprise! We went to California's capitol building. This is right after spring semester ended, and one of our best friends from home came to visit us! We also ended up going to San Francisco, which you will also be seeing a photo from. 

Sacramento was honestly so beautiful, but it felt so empty and, dare I say, almost soulless. It felt like a ghost town -- the streets were completely emptied and basically every corner. Almost a little eerie. 

This is my San Francisco photo, mostly because I don't have as many as I may have initially thought. I've been many times before, but I had never visited the Painted Ladies until this trip! 

One of our dear friends lives in SF, and she very graciously lets us stay at her house when we come to visit. We've also had the best gluten free fried chicken here, just so good. 

I always have such a fun time when I'm here, I feel like such a city girl! I would love to go back soon. 

Moving into the summer, I went back home to spend it with my family and friends. Almost all of our friends went home for the summer too, and the weather can get extremely hot where I go to school. I'd rather not deal with that mess.

I taught myself how to play the drums this summer because I felt like I needed a hobby, and because I mainly just find them to be so fascinating. 

My dad also plays the bass, and I was able to play some songs with a real band -- even if they were a bunch of dads, I didn't mind. I also (reluctantly) got a job at a cafe, making coffee and selling pastries and whatnot...it was fine.

I also turned 21 (yay!!) and spent a lot of time outdoors. My best friend turned 22, and we partied hard, naturally. I'm just kidding, we're really not the partying type, but it was still a great time. 

Moving into September, we're back in school and back with our lovely friends. To celebrate, we decided to make paper portraits of ourselves (maybe not realistic, but more of an artistic representation). 

And let me tell you, I had such a fun time doing this. Every time I look at photos like this, I'm just reminded of how wonderful of friends I have, and how lucky I am to have found them. 

My first semester in college was really hard for me, mainly because I just wasn't putting myself out there in social situations and then I was wondering why I was feeling so depressed and lonely. I'm also naturally very introverted, which definitely didn't play to my advantage

That brings us to right now, November 2025! I'm really grateful for everything that has happened this semester, even when there has been hardships.

I've tried my best to expand my circle, which is working. 

Finally being surrounded with people who care about me is something I do not plan on taking for granted. 

That pretty much sums it up for me right now, but I hope this post was able to bring some context into the year I've been having. See you very soon, hopefully. Until next time, cheers! 

seasonal depression and cyclical damage to the soul

 School is officially swinging for me, and it probably is for you, too. Whenever the aching routine of my class schedule dulls my senses, I start to find myself slipping into these strange pockets of sadness and stagnation. 

Instead of holding on to these feelings -- as I have unsuccessfully done every year -- I want to be ahead of the curve this year. However, it's starting to happen and I can feel the sinking of the quicksand slowly start to fill up my shoes, inevitably weighing my body down into the muck. 

Autumn is my favorite season where I go to college, because the towering, sprawling green trees start to lose their elegant leaves, the air is crisp and the unforgiving sun starts to shrink behind landscapes of clouds in the sky. 

How troubling it is to have this seesaw of loving everything that is happening around me, yet internally feeling  the worst I've felt all year. Simply put, I think this is the time of year that my friends and I can collectively agree how much we love and hate it. 

A classic sign of this cyclical harm is when I overeat, over-indulge in the things I love or basically any form of greed (or gluttony, I guess it could be either). I know it is happening, and even though I want to stop, there is something in me that keeps going despite my brain fighting against it. I suppose this is going to be much personal than I initially thought. 

I also feel pretty distant from almost everyone in my life. I have been struggling to connect and engage with those around me. 

This is not supposed to be an entry where I complain about how "terrible" my life is, so I'm done complaining about these miniscule things. 

Basically, this is a post that hopefully will hold me to some standards (please) for the rest of this season...maybe I can even check in later to see how I'm holding up -- though I don't want to commit to this yet because sadly I tend to forget about this website every now and then. 

Here are the essentials, in list form:

• Going on a walk for at least 30 minutes a day
• Smoking less
• I'd like to add that I mean shorter smoking sessions -- mindfulness
• Eating more fruits and vegetables 
• I never would have thought this would be a problem for me, yet here I am
• Not going on social media when I think I have nothing to do 
• Read a book
• Take more photos of what I see

I definitely believe this list will be ongoing until I am satisfied, and when I (hopefully!!) do I check in at the end of this year, I will show you what has been added to the list, and maybe what has been removed (though I really doubt anything is going to be removed from this list). 

Well, that's all I have to add for now! Until next time, cheers!

what really makes a summer great

Hello, again. 

Slowly but surely am I working through a routine of writing regularly on here. Hoorah! What better way to get into writing again than talking about myself and my summertime habits.

Upon coming home, I was greeted by my family warmly, then quickly thrown out into the cold again, tasked with finding a job for the summer. Obviously, I'm exaggerating here. Getting a job is not the end of the world, even when you're a privileged college girl like me. 

 Nevertheless, I got a job at a local restaurant and worked frequently throughout the summer. Almost to a point where I felt like there was no time to enjoy anything else! Sorely mistaken, I was. 

This summer I must confess that I
developed some addictions I'm not proud of, and maybe some that I am proud of. Here's the short list:

1. Music, again (see my last post about AnCo)
2. Playing the drums
3. Smoking weed (uh oh)
   
4. Laying in patches of grass

Not as long of a list as I thought, but I think it's good enough. Yes, these four things are quite literally the only things that consumed my precious three months of me time. 

This summer felt very pivotal in my life. I had a lot of little moments that I was able to actually savor, remember and recall often. This summer was also a moment in my life where I actually felt comfortable in my skin for the first time in a while. 

I am naturally a person who is very self-conscious which can quickly turn into self-obsession if I am not careful. For a while, it felt like I was never able to fully enjoy myself because I was so worried about what people would think about me based on my actions or looks. It was hard to be able to recognize this intense fog of judgement and worry that circled me.

Freeing is the only way I can describe the way this summer felt. Feelings that were absolutely rooted deep within my inner self were practically crawling out of my mouth -- things that I never knew I felt about myself, my family, my friends and total strangers. 

Personally, I was shocked with myself. Like, wow, I really am a person who is capable of having naturally complex thoughts! I didn't have to have someone tell me what my opinion on an issue has to be (another part of a self-conscious person is following what everyone else thinks to fit in). And admittedly, yes, I was like this until recently. 

It's ok to feel this way, if you feel like this sometimes. Obviously, why would I be talking about it if it wasn't!

But I guess introspection isn't the only thing I did this summer. It is a privilege to see the things I see on a regular basis, especially being from southern California. I went to Catalina Island this summer, which is known for it's incredible nature preserve. 

The preserve contains animals like buffalo, who were brought to the island for a movie filming, and never left. Even though they were introduced to the island by humans, they actually serve a purpose for the island's ecosystem--something I learned on a tour I took with my family. 

We ended up getting super close to one of the buffalo, as it was on the trail that the tour goes on. Something always ignites in me when I see creatures of this size. I am simply reminded we are not the most incredible or magnificent creature this world has to offer. We are just a lucky coincidence.

Catalina's ocean was so clear, it made me almost forget that I live right next to one, too! It felt almost exotic, like we were somewhere halfway around the world. 

The streets were lined with homes and businesses in a way that felt European--buildings were almost stacked on top of each other, pieces of each spilling over into the next. The town itself is very small, only taking up about 15 or 20 percent of the island, so they need to use their space wisely. 

There's not much else to say about that trip except the fact that I had to get insanely stoned to make it on the treacherous voyage that would be taking the one hour ferry to the mainland. I had to do this because on the way there, I aggressively threw up over the side of the boat three times, where every single person on the boat could see. Definitely wanted to avoid that kind of attention the second time around. 

Even though this summer was filled with great moments spent with family and friends doing the things I love, I really have no other takeaway from this season than how my path of thinking has greatly changed, yet opened my eyes. 

That's about all I have for this post, until next time. Cheers!

took a trip to san francisco

 As summer began and school finally came to a close, my roommate and our close friend decided to travel from college to San Francisco. Only about a few hours away from where we lived, we made the journey by car. 

There are times when San Francisco feels lie the best place on Earth: there's so much culture (very different from where I go to college), everyone dresses nice and chances are there is always something beautifully created around you whether its the art or architecture. 

One of our other good friends goes to school in the city, so we're able to stay with her--no expensive hotels for three broke college students! 

I've been there a few times, but this year I've been twice. This time I felt much more familiar with my surroundings, and actually started to feel like I belonged in the city--a wonderful feeling. Here is the list of things we HAVE to see when were in the city:

• 
  Palace of Fine Arts
• The Marina
• Golden Gate Park
• Haight and Ashbury 
• Amoeba Records
• Roommates Vintage
• Dumpling Baby Restaurant
• The Game Parlour
• Anywhere that has a photobooth
• Thrift stores here and there
• Good matcha/coffee --> usually in Japantown

Besides that, whatever catches our eye is where we'll go. The last time we visited, I ended up winning a pair of free concert tickets to see George Clanton, but was unable to make it to the scheduled time. It honestly felt like a call to the world that I was supposed to be there in that moment. 

San Francisco is also home to the wonderful Outside Lands festival, something that I would love to attend this year if it pans out. A lot of artists performing are musicians I like, which is kind of rare for me these days. 

At Amoeba Records, I purchased my favorite Aphex Twin album, "Selected Ambient Works 85-92." I also found a Sigur Ros CD for only a few dollars, so I snagged that. The last time I went I was also able to get another Aphex Twin CD, as well as one of my favorite albums of all time, Massive Attack's "Mezzanine", which features songs with Cocteau Twins' singer Elizabeth Fraser. Every time I step in that store I expect to find greatness, and I haven't been let down yet!

The two restaurants I listed, Dumpling Baby and The Game Parlour both offer gluten free fried chicken--both of my friends who visited with me are gluten intolerant, so this is always a must! The Game Parlour has fabulous mochiko chicken, which is what makes it crispy, while Dumpling Baby has a sweet-tasting honey-based sauce, which is unique to other common chicken sauces like orange or teriyaki. 

Anyway, I hope that I go back to the city as many times as I can before I inevitably don't live as close to it as I do right now. Knowing me, I probably will because once I get a taste of something like San Francisco, I just can't stay away. 

That about wraps it up for me, until next time, cheers!

a summer list

 A simple post has to be done today. I want to make a list of things I want to do before summer is over, and actually try to stay true to my word this time. Here it is:

1. Make some money so I don't have to work while I'm at school

2. Go out with my friends to new places

3. Swim in the saltwater

4. Create art in different forms

5. Talk to people I usually wouldn't

6. Put myself in uncomfortable situations

7. Listen to new music

8. Try not to spend a lot of money

9. Spend time with my family

10. Have fun!!

I don't want to set unrealistic expectations for myself, because I want to be able to accomplish everything on my list without realizing. I know it's possible. 

That's all I have for this post, thanks for checking it out. If you feel inspired I encourage you to make your own summer list, or maybe just a 2025 list...it's never too late! We've still got six months until this year wraps up. 

Until next time, cheers. 

it's time for a messy summer

 Long time no see, everyone. It's me, of course. I wanted to come here today to talk about a desire to revert back to those messy, trashy girls you saw in the 2000s and 2010s--especially on Tumblr and Pinterest. Something about this lifestyle is aligning with my spirit, which I guess is good since it'll be summer, arguably the best time for this kind of behavior. 

I should also note this not normal activity for me. I am someone who is typically reserved, would rather stay home on the weekends. But now the fact is things are finally going to be available to me. I can engage with the city in ways I was never able to: through bars and clubs. 

This lifestyle always had some kind of charm. A girl who is barely able to pay her rent somehow also is magically able to get into the best clubs in her big city. Yeah, that would be the dream life but is that even realistic? I'll give you the short answer and say no, it's not. 

I think a lot of my influences right now obtain that untouchable party vibe that I so desperately want to copy. 

Speaking of, right now I love Ca7riel and Paco Amoroso, Charli XCX, Sophie and this one Jane Remover song. All of my influences are music right now--I just feel like I am hitting the jackpot!! I love when I go through new music phases in my life. 

I wish I was reading more--messy girls still read--but I've just been so busy with everything else. It's been tough for me to balance work and play recently, but I think it's just because there are so many moving facets of my life: school, friends, extracurriculars, and I still feel like I'm not doing enough for myself. It's easy to get lost in the stress of feeling not good enough, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself this time around when it comes to school. 

My mood has been extremely creative lately, but I feel like I'm not even creating anything. Sometimes my creativity converts into productivity when I wish it wouldn't. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a creative bone in my body, like I'm just meant to compute equations into a computer. I'm glad that's not what I feel right now. 

I want to find ways to revamp this blog, but I guess before I do that, maybe I should start posting regularly on here, right?

It seems like we got completely lost off track and I gave you a life update instead of talking about my summer plans. School is out in almost three weeks you know? That's so weird to think about, I feel like this semester just started! 

Summer is going to be dirty, messy, trashy, whatever you want to call it, but I'm telling you right now. I'm tired of all of these clean girl aesthetics, I want the messy girls to rise up! I'm waiting for you, let's march together. That's all I got for now, see you next time! 

this past week

 It's been a pleasant first week back in my college town. This surprised me because when I went home for winter break, I left with a certain resentment for the place. My best friend (and roommate) have been working on our apartment to create a space we both feel comfortable in. Our living room is beautiful when I think about it.

Pinterest inspo

Last semester was especially tough on both of us, so we mutually agreed to improve ourselves and our surroundings, hence the apartment makeover. 

 Even though we've only had class for a few days, school is already looking better for me. I changed my major to a much more writing-focused option (journalism). I find it to be very well-suited for me. My best friend also changed her major to an artistic one. I think it suits her just fine, but I am not her, so I don't know what she truly thinks about it. 

This past weekend we decided to go thrifting in the neighboring cities. When I say this, you probably expect them to be under an hour away, and unfortunately, that is only true for one of them. 

Our living room!

If you don't know, I live in northern California and currently attend Chico State. If you know anything about Chico, is that it is pretty much in the middle of nowhere. At least when you are speaking about California. It has a lot of trees and that is the part I love most about it. I am from southern California. It is routine to see palm trees, which is a shame for me because I have grown to be apathetic towards them. Sometimes I wish I wasn't. 

Chico has two towns that are relatively close to it: Oroville and Red Bluff. These are the two that can be reached in under an hour by car. These are both kind of weird towns. That's the only way I can really describe them. 

If you keep going north past Red Bluff, you end up in Redding, which is a city that is much more recognizable. If you keep going south past Oroville, you end up in Sacramento. On Friday, we slowly made our way to Redding, checking out thrift stores on the way up, and looking for nice wall decor for our house. We got a few things, a mosaic mirror and a nice fan to hang up. 

On Saturday, we ended up in a place called Yuba City, after heading to Oroville. Yuba City is the biggest city besides Chico around here, so they have all of the fun stores that we like. We also ended up going to lots of thrift stores in this area. 

Most of the roads that you have to drive on to get to other towns are sandwiched between farms and orchards with trees that are in uniform lines. In between the bundles of trees sometimes there are open patches of long, unmanicured grass. These are the best parts of these roads. 

Most days, there is a slight wind that makes the grass dance in front of you. Saturday was no different. The grass made intricate hair-like patterns, which persuaded us to pull over and take some pictures standing on it. These ended up coming out nicely, even on our phones, which usually is not the case for us. 

Lots of poor choices were made regarding our outfits. It was cold but for some reason, we decided to dress like it was a nice late spring morning in April. Realistically it was a blustery January afternoon that quickly turned into a dark, dry evening. 

This weekend has greatly changed my opinion of this city and its surroundings. I always found it beautiful, but for the first time, I can actually see myself living in it, cherishing everything it has to offer. That's all I have for now, until next time. Cheers!

falling behind and feeling guilty talking about myself

 I was trying to write my about me section for this blog, when I suddenly started to go off a strange tangent about struggling to feel like I belong in my subset of peers. These first few paragraphs are what I wrote before I decided I must make this a separate post, to not take away from the simple about me page. 

I spend a lot of my free time thinking about possible lives I could be living. I always wonder what my future looks like. I don't know if that is part of how things are always supposed to go (why do I never try to live in the moment?) or if it'll pass (Fleabag reference). However, I will say that the times I spend fantasizing are the times that life feels the most fun to live. Do even the most successful people do this when they feel their own life is too mundane to live without letting their minds wander? I don't know. 

This was intended to be more of an introduction and it turned into something completely different. That is my fault, and I accept responsibility for that end. 

Obviously, I use this blog to write about pop culture that interests me, whether it is relevant or not (most of the time it really isn't), but I at least try to make it seem a little more interesting to someone who is not me. I also find that most people living my life are doing much more than I am, and I keep trying to remind myself that they probably really aren't and that I should just get over myself. 

Oftentimes when I write things like this, they come off as self-serving and pitiful, rather than just being forward about my feelings. Like the paragraph above, when I write 'people my age are doing much better than I am' what I really mean is 'people my age are doing normal people shit and I am sitting on the couch waiting for my TV to get connected to the internet again so I can simultaneously watch a movie and write this blog'. It's not glamorous. It's not pitiful either. It's just the off days when there isn't some crazy event to look forward to. And that's okay. 

I have a hard time talking about myself, even to my closest friends. Honestly, I would much rather hear what they want to say (about themselves, me, or whatever they want). The real reason is that I never know how I properly wish to articulate my thoughts. 

Even just now I was looking at the Grammarly tone suggestions, and that even told me that I was being assertive! I don't think I want my blog to sound assertive. I don't know if I've ever tried to make myself sound assertive in any of these posts. 

But the real thing I want to get into is why is it so difficult to acknowledge your own accomplishments? Am I an outlier when I feel weird mentioning something I've done well at, or does everyone feel the same?  Why do we feel like we are being self-centered when we are talking about our own feats? 

I am curious to find out if others feel the same way. Or if I'm just being weird. That's all I have for you today. Until next time, cheers!

2025 ins and outs

It's a brand new year. Yay! Here is my list of things I need to let go while also making the list of things I need to bring back. I find a lot of peace in doing this routine every year. There is less pressure than a resolution. Also, know that most of these are personal to me, and I am not attempting to influence you into living a life that doesn't seem fit for you. 

Let's also notice that there are significantly more "Ins" than "Outs". Because I want to incorporate more things into my life rather than deteriorate the one I am already living! Cheers. 

how come everyone else has it figured out?

Sometimes I go through these strange crises where I feel like I am always doing everything wrong. I know I am not the only person that experiences this (my best friend and I talk about this almost every day), but for some reason, we can never reach a solution. Before I decided to actually go to a four-year university, I did not question my choices nearly as much as I do now. 

As a twenty year old moving to a new city and going to a new college is already a lot to handle. And, upon arrival, I realized that being a Business Administration major was not the person I am, or going to be after I graduate. It is tough to reach the decision of changing your college course (throwing everything away that you've been studying for almost two years), or doing something that would make you happy.

When you put it this way, it seems too simple. 

Of course, everyone wants to say they would always pick the latter choice. I would probably say that, too. But as I am reeling through this process, it seems to get more difficult as the days move forward. My main issue is plain and simple: I still don't know what I want to do with my life after college. 

For some reason, I have never once in my life thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up--I honestly never had answer to that question--and I guess that carries on to adulthood now. You can tell when people are definitive about their career choice. It looks confident, happy, anticipation for what comes next. I'm not sure I've ever had that look. 

A lot of times, I'm just so frustrated with myself because I have not found that passion yet. I always ask the question: why does everyone know what they want to do, but I can't make a simple decision? 

The short answer is not everyone has it figured out. Honestly, probably most people you encounter at this beautiful age of twenty don't know what they;re doing. Yeah, of course they don't. They all just wear a facade like you do. 

All of this talk about crises and how to cope with them has made me realize that all of the things that itnerest me will of course begin with struggle. It will probably be struggle for a long, aching time. But I guess that is life that is made for me. Now I must learn how to move forward while struggling. We should all learn to be more uncomfortable (this is just a reminder for myself, really). 

That's all I have on this for now, until next time. 

a fun week(end) with my friends!

 This post is a little more exciting than the other ones I've been making recently, yippee!! But seriously, I am super lucky to have friends in my life who are willing to come visit me on the other side of the great state of California. Two of my friends came up to see my best friend and me and also to celebrate Halloween with us. 

It was a really fun weekend overall, and I thought I would share some of my favorite moments here! This was my costume on Halloween night; I went as a sad clown with two of my friends, Jake and Megan. The toughest time of the whole trip was finding things to do, and we definitely struggled on this night for things to do. For our main event, we decided to go to a house show for a little bit, but we ultimately ended up walking around the city for most of the night because we weren't sure what else there was to do. There should be some context here: the city we go to school in has an issue with unsafe Halloween events occurring on the actual weekend Halloween falls on, so everyone throws parties the weekend before. Until we actually went to school here, we didn't know this, so we told our friends to come up thinking there would be tons of stuff to do when in reality there wasn't. We still made the most of it though and I think we all enjoyed ourselves pretty well this night. 

The next day, we did virtually nothing, because it was raining the whole time we were awake. It was a much-needed rest day for everyone. We spent the day playing board games and talking about ourselves. 

Brace yourselves because this is the day when things get crazy (I'm kidding, kind of). We live very close to a national park with a volcanic mountain in it, and since it rained all day on Friday, we decided Saturday would be a great opportunity to see the snow if it was cold enough at the mountain. So, we made the hour and a half drive up, and sure enough there was almost two feet of snow on the ground by November 2nd! This was also my best friend's first time seeing snow that she remembers. I am so grateful that she had a good experience because honestly, I was a little nervous there would be nothing left on the ground. 

It was the right kind of snow too! The powdery kind that you can fall into without hurting yourself (though to be honest, we all tried to fall into the snow and we all hurt our heads, whoops). I have never lived in snow before, so I'm sure this doesn't seem nearly as magical if you live somewhere like Illinois or something, bear with me. 

This weekend taught me a lot about my friendships, and how important they are to a person's life. I am so grateful I have these wonderful people in my life that I can talk to about anything. Living away from home is hard, but it's really only like this because I've lost a majority of my support system. I am just so extremely lucky that I live with my best friend who understands me so deeply. If you are to receive anything in your life, I truly hope that everyone receives a best friend. 

Well, I suppose this concludes my weekend, even though I am quite literally almost three weeks late with this post. I hope that if this reaches you, I am thinking of you fondly and I want everyone to feel loved right now. Until next time, cheers!

why am i feeling lonely?

 Hi guys, a little bit of a selfish topic I wanted to talk about today, mostly because it has been on my mind the most recently. Around this time of year, I tend to feel extremely strong feelings of loneliness when there really is no reason to feel this way. I find myself spending a lot of time alone, even when I have many people around me I love. It's most likely because this time of year is when it gets dark earlier at night, and the weather is less warm. 

So, basically what I just described to you is seasonal depression. In general, I think I'm a pretty depressed person, or at least my point of happiness is pretty low in comparison to other people. Loneliness has been on my mind especially this year because this is my first time living away from my family. I live with my best friend, but sometimes I think I get too overwhelmed and I have to be by myself for a while. 

I wanted to put this out there because I feel like not a lot of people talk about this feeling when they have it. At least I know I don't tell the people in my life because I don't want to sound rude or make it seem like they aren't doing enough. 

The thing is, I am not sure how I would go about solving this issue. I get overwhelmed and want to spend time with myself, but when I spend time with myself I get an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Not sure how to approach this vicious cycle. Today was the first day that it rained for more than an hour. I think that is what made me feel the need to type this out. I usually love the rain, but this one felt a little more sad than usual. I found myself doing a lot of introspection on the choices I've made, and how they have changed my life. 

When I think too much about my choices, I think too much of the other possibilities rather than the one I am in. All of the different possibilities of choices I make are little streams of water that eventually conjoins into one big flowing river when it all comes down to it. The chances are, even when there are so many more possibilities out there, the stream you flow with is the one that you are supposed to pick because it's the life you are living at this moment. I suppose this statement is a lot more self-soothing than it is to help anyone who is reading this. 

Anyway, I feel like this has leaned away from a feeling into a philosophical movement that I really don't want to partake in right now. I am sorry if this comes off as weird or too vulnerable. But what does too vulnerable even mean. Until next time!

a little info

 Today is the day that I started this new blog. I have made other ones in the past but I haven't kept up with them. I plan to keep up with this one to practice my writing skills and also to talk about things that excite me and whatever. Mainly I plan to talk about media I've seen and why I like it (and why I don't). I really want to focus on music and movies, but I will also talk about books when I actually finish one. 

There are a lot of things to catch you up on here, but I don't even know where to begin. How do I go through 20 years of my life in a consolidated, five-paragraph blog post? I don't actually know. I am spending my first autumn/winter in a place that almost feels like those are real seasons. I am from San Diego, so those don't really exist in my mind. Northern California gives you almost every kind of season. Except snow. Where I live at least. One of my friends told me that once it rains, it doesn't stop. Lucky for me I love the rain so I'll be just fine with that. 

Maybe I can also fill you in on my experience in a new city. I have no memory of living in a different place other than San Diego (even though I lived nearby San Francisco for one of my baby years), so it is overly exciting to be somewhere new. I don't know if people really prepare you for how lonely it is though. Even though I live here with my best friend, I go to a college with over 25,000 people my age, and the community is fairly outgoing, I still am finding myself in a rut of not fitting in with the crowd here. 

Everyone has told me it is because I am under 21. Everyone likes to drink here. People go to the bars or they go to fraternity-sponsored events. To be honest neither of these really sounds appealing to me, so I guess I'm shit out of luck. That being said, I have been trying to find a "third location" of sorts that can help me meet other people. Right now that place is a cafe that I go to almost three times a week. It also helps that I think one of the baristas is extremely attractive, but that is beside the point (more on this later). 

No more to say about this right now, I will start my journey here, technically on October 15, but I am updating this on the 17th instead.