Today, I've been thinking a lot about a specific subject: the relationships I hold with other people. I struggle a lot to make connections with people at first, mostly because I am hard at coming up with random things to talk about, but also partially because I think I come off as really intimidating. At least, that's what others tell me.
A lot of the friends I have made in college so far have all said the same thing: "I thought you hated me at first." Great. That's quite literally something I never want to hear come out of someone else's mouth, but surprisingly it happens more often than I'd like to admit.
What am I supposed to do about it though? Sacrifice my authenticity for a mask?
Recently, I've been getting closer with some of the established relationships in my college life, and I think I'm receiving interpretations that might not be my intention -- I think one of my friends might be developing feelings for me. I think we've all been there with a friend before, where there is seemingly enough tension to change the air in the room. I don't know how to feel about this one.
I've never been a relationship person. I don't like dating, and the idea of it seems completely exhausting, so I don't even bother. That being said, if someone asks me to go out with them, the likelihood of me saying yes skyrockets just because they asked me. So I'm not sure what that means. I like receiving the attention from another in that way, but there is a disconnect for me beyond that.
So now, I'm put in an interesting position where others are telling me this individual is obviously pursuing something romantic but it's just something that I can not involve myself in. And if I bring it up before them and they don't feel that way, doesn't it come of as self-centered in a way?
"You must be romantically interested in me because we hang out so much, right?"
That's basically what I would be saying.
And that entire post right there, is exactly why relationships are hard for me. It's a never-ending cycle of overthinking, justifying any reason for someone to dislike me before they can get to know me -- a measly defense mechanism.
That's all I have on this subject for now, but it's never over! Until next time, cheers.