struggling to feel comfortable with the choices i've made

Uncertainty is something I know will be a constant throughout my life, like a friend holding my hand. I deeply struggle to grow into the uncertainty, and to understand that everyone has it and is probably experiencing the same emotions as me. Nowhere is this feeling more prominent than in the career path I chose, journalism. 

The thing is, I love writing and connecting with a large audience. I like the principles of journalism and its importance in our societal function. It is necessary. But, do I really see myself covering hard news for the rest of my life? Honestly, no. And that's not the kind of journalist I would strive to be. 

Before I even changed my major about two years ago, I imagined that was the life I was destined for: living in a cramped apartment, books and papers strewn about and all I can focus on is my hectic work schedule. Enticing, but simply, it felt as though it were a distraction to something much greater. 

It might be immature to assume that is the only life path available with my degree, which I know is not true. However, seeing friends and peers graduate and move on to their careers, they have all seemed to fall in line and pursue a similar lifestyle to what I described above. That thought alone makes the idea of myself moving on with my career to be a very real choice I've made. How can I know that I'm on the right track?

I'm young, there's lots of life left. Even though it's easy to give into all the possible "what-ifs" and "could-haves", the strength to accept the current life path must prevail. But truly, sometimes it also feels like I am destined for something greater--is that too selfish of me to assume? Even though the idea of fading into the background seems comfortable, there are parts of me that call out to this fantasy and are increasingly hard for me to ignore.

Fantasy is wild because you really can believe yourself to be anything. Truthfully, I can't even imagine would my "something greater" would even look like. Do I have hobbies and passions? Yes. Do I want to devote my entire soul and being into one single thing? I don't know. I am not one of those people who are placed on Earth and are destined to one thing, like they were born to do it. 

I was always kind of jealous of those people. Effortless. 

But at the end of the day, I'm a broke college student who still believes the world revolves around her...how unique. I hope I don't come off as too whiny here, it's hard for me to talk about these kind of feelings without feeling like some self-obsessed freak. Anyway, that's all I have for today. Until next time, cheers! 

moving in / the pit of summer

 This summer, I was gifted with the opportunity of packing up my cramped two-bedroom apartment, and fleeing to a spacious, six-bedroom, two-story home just across town. The best part? I'm living with my closest friends I've made since moving to Chico, and of course, my hometown best friend. 

The huge window brings in so much natural light!  

The house itself is to die for: bright turquoise exterior with outstretching limbs of lavender plants sprawling across the front yard. It's a historical home -- the property's land deed was gifted from the founders of the town I live in. the archways all have a curvature to them, a strong indicator that the integrity of the home is preserved in its original form. A brick chimney tunnels into a beautiful, working fireplace in the living room, the mantle adorned with nails in it for stocking during the holiday season. The downstairs bathroom is adorable (and pink!), and the kitchen floor is tiled in a checkerboard pattern. 

But truly, the showstopper in my eyes is the upstairs. All of the bedrooms are so adorable, they all have such a cozy vibe to them because they all have a kind of loft ceiling. My bedroom is up here, naturally. I took the one with the most windows, because I know that I'll be able to watch the seasons change from my room. I imagine watching the rain pour down during the fall, and the birds chirping in the spring. Right now though, it's fucking hot, and arguably the worst room to have during the scorching summer. 

Saying goodbye to the old apartment was kind of sentimental. She treated us so well, with care. It was the first place I called home away from my parents. It was the first place I did a lot of things: hosted a party, smoked indoors, helped my best friend get through a breakup. She's seen the ugliest sides of me, but I know she's seen the best too. It's weird to completely abandon a place you've spent so much time in. In a way, it's a breakup within itself. 

It's also a new beginning. I can tell this new home is going to create so many memories. I've only lived in it for a few weeks but it's already full of stories. 

Summer is a weird time for me, always. I feel like I should love it, but really, it's my least favorite part of the year, if it really came down to it. I'm born during the summer (June 28, never forget it), so I always think this should be my most transformative period of the year, but really it always seems like the most intense. I fight with my parents, I feel out of place in situations that should feel comfortable, the list goes on. 

This is a special summer, though because it's the first one where I'm spending a majority of it away from my family, and not in San Diego. It's a breath of fresh air to be away, but I find myself feeling a little nostalgic for the things I used to do. I remember the salty air always blowing in my hair from the ocean, walking on the warm sidewalk while the sun paints the sky a beautiful collage of pinks and oranges, the purple jacaranda flowers falling from my backyard tree. My mom would get so annoyed when they got stuck to our shoes and we tracked them through the house. 

I enjoy the freedom, and the peace. But I also miss the chaos of scrambling for a family trip, remembering a toothbrush on the way out. In those moments I dreamed of the life I live now, so maybe I just want what I can't have. 

Clearly, there is lots to think about. Until next time, cheers! 

outfit evolution

Hi.

I've been thinking a lot about my fashion choices, primarily because seasons are changing, and it's starting to become my favorite time of year for fashion. I am a fan of layering in an outfit, and when it becomes too hot, basically all opportunity for that melts away with the snow. 

Fashion has always been a part of my life. I liked to dress up, wear my nana's old opera costumes and prance around the house like a celebrity. Even when I was a strange middle schooler I still thought I had fashion sense (I promise that I absolutely didn't, you'll see in these photos). And today, I think I am pretty proud of the way I choose to express myself. 

Today I thought I would take you on my journey through aesthetics, countless thrifted tops and interesting haircuts. 

Starting off strong with one of my FAVORITE outfits in middle school. I think this was in seventh grade, and I had just gotten this top at old navy to replace one that I had in a different pattern. 

These shorts were from Nordstrom and my grandma had bought them for me as a birthday present. I thought I was such a cool girl because they were from Nordstrom, I don't think I ever gotten anything from there unless she bought it for me. 

I loved my white Converse high-top shoes, so much to the point they started to turn yellow after only a year of having them. 

This photo was taken on my beloved iPhone 5S, I still miss her everyday.

You guys...I really thought this was so aesthetic. I remember taking this and thinking it was going to go viral on Tumblr because of the shirt I was wearing...obviously it didn't. 

I really loved this shirt for some reason. I got it from an online order, but they accidentally sent it to me, so I just kept it. Long sleeve shirts were my absolute favorite during my sophomore year in high school, I have no idea why. It was never really cold where I lived (San Diego), so there was really no need to wear it. 

These shorts were so cute to me because they weren't super tight. They were one of my first H&M purchases -- a store where I thought cool girls shopped -- and I remember my mom thinking they were way too short. 

Uh-oh...heading into 2020 is moving into uncharted waters. This was really when I started trying out other aesthetics that were super trendy on TikTok and Instagram. Although at this point in time I still didn't have Instagram. 

I loved drinking Americanos from Starbucks for some reason -- I literally don't even like the flavor of their espresso on its own -- and I would add a sweetener for some reason. It did not taste good. 

I bought these jeans from an online store based in Asia and I was so worried they weren't going to fit. To my surprise they did, but as soon as I dried them they shrunk about three inches and I couldn't wear them again because they looked ridiculous. 

 I LOVED this cardigan, and I think I got it at the swap meet with my Dad. It had little details of flowers in light brown, and it was super warm. I lost it almost two months after I bought it.

Really starting to kick it into e-girl territory here. I dyed my hair this ridiculous teal color, and it basically stayed permanent in my head for about eight months, until I paid a hair stylist a ridiculous amount of money to get it out of my scalp. 

This shirt was from my dad, who loved Alice in Chains but hated this shirt for some reason. I loved wearing legwarmers with any outfit I possibly could and obviously this was no exception. 

This skirt was something I held onto from middle school. I bought it at Tilly's, which was another store I thought cool girls shopped at. 

These shoes were one of my proudest purchases from Poshmark. They were these darling platform loafer things that had such a thick heel. I thought they were so sassy. One day when I wore them to school, as I was walking to class the sole of one them completely snapped off, and I was unable to repair them. I miss them dearly.

Here's another outfit from 2021, with the hair dye still present and haunting me. This is when we first adopted one of our dogs, Rigby. 

I bought this floral skirt from Old Navy, one of the few places my Mom and I liked to go shopping together (although I must admit I haven't been in the past few years). 

The tank top was just something that was old and in my mom's closet I knew she wouldn't miss if I took. 

I thought this was so incredibly chic and "cottagecore" of me --- looking back at it now I'm not too sure if that's true. 

Doing things like this are so much fun to me, because I think there are little pieces of each moment that contribute to the outfits I still wear today, which is where we are headed next.

DISCLAIMER: I'm picking this back up after taking a few months off. I think even since I started drafting this post my personal style has already evolved into a different vision than what I thought I wanted in November.  Now, we get to move into my favorite part, showing you some of the outfits I've actually wearing recently, because I feel like it's only right for you to see this part of myself that I am particularly proud of. 

Here's an outfit I wore just a few weeks ago: as you can see, there are multiple layers to this outfit that make it seem a little more elevated. Underneath the jacket, I have a layered long sleeve and short sleeve top. 

I also added white tights to contrast the darkness of my skirt and boots combination, and I think it balances the outfit extremely well! I felt very confident walking around in this. 

As you can see, I love taking outfit photos in this mirror. This is essentially a variant of the first outfit, but I wanted to show that there can be a sort of "equation" when it comes to making a nice balanced outfit. You can reuse the same techniques while also adding a touch of uniqueness to it, completely changing the aesthetic of the outfit. 

In this outfit, using a hooded cardigan for the top layering piece gives off a different vibe than the sports jacket I wore i the picture above. These outfits also share a similar color scheme-- actually, most of my closet does honestly-- but it doesn't necessarily matter unless that is the focus you are going for. 

Color is not the first thing that comes into my mind when I am building an outfit in the morning, however, I would like to change that. 

I feel that color is extremely underrated when it comes to outfit creation. Especially right now, a lot of trending aesthetics revolve around the neutral base of navy, black, white and gray. Yes, I fall victim to this trap, but at least I'm aware! So, as a personal goal, I want to make more of an effort to add more color into my outfits in the year of 2026!

Finally, one of my last outfits is one that I wore at least weekly last semester. I simply adore this dress that I thrifted from my hometown store almost five years ago. 

In fact, it's really not even a dress, but definitely an old woman's nightgown, because unless I pin it in the back, it's quite possibly the most shapeless thing I own. Needless to say, it's not flattering unless I pin it, which also means there is usually a bunch of fabric on my back, so I pair it with a jacket. 

Since I wore this green zip-up (which is just another piece of clothing I'm obsessed with for some reason), I decided to wear a dark green tight underneath the dress so it would match the rest. My school bag is also green so this was a major win for me. 

I would like to proudly add that maybe 90% of my closet comes from thrift stores, friends or my mom, which also means sometimes they do not fit the best, and that is ok. 

Alright, well that just about wraps up this post. I really do love posting outfit photos and talking about my thought process, so maybe I will continue this and turn it into a "mini series" of sorts. But who knows, there are lots of things to consider. Until next time, cheers!