seasonal depression and cyclical damage to the soul

 School is officially swinging for me, and it probably is for you, too. Whenever the aching routine of my class schedule dulls my senses, I start to find myself slipping into these strange pockets of sadness and stagnation. 

Instead of holding on to these feelings -- as I have unsuccessfully done every year -- I want to be ahead of the curve this year. However, it's starting to happen and I can feel the sinking of the quicksand slowly start to fill up my shoes, inevitably weighing my body down into the muck. 

Autumn is my favorite season where I go to college, because the towering, sprawling green trees start to lose their elegant leaves, the air is crisp and the unforgiving sun starts to shrink behind landscapes of clouds in the sky. 

How troubling it is to have this seesaw of loving everything that is happening around me, yet internally feeling  the worst I've felt all year. Simply put, I think this is the time of year that my friends and I can collectively agree how much we love and hate it. 

A classic sign of this cyclical harm is when I overeat, over-indulge in the things I love or basically any form of greed (or gluttony, I guess it could be either). I know it is happening, and even though I want to stop, there is something in me that keeps going despite my brain fighting against it. I suppose this is going to be much personal than I initially thought. 

I also feel pretty distant from almost everyone in my life. I have been struggling to connect and engage with those around me. 

This is not supposed to be an entry where I complain about how "terrible" my life is, so I'm done complaining about these miniscule things. 

Basically, this is a post that hopefully will hold me to some standards (please) for the rest of this season...maybe I can even check in later to see how I'm holding up -- though I don't want to commit to this yet because sadly I tend to forget about this website every now and then. 

Here are the essentials, in list form:

• Going on a walk for at least 30 minutes a day
• Smoking less
• I'd like to add that I mean shorter smoking sessions -- mindfulness
• Eating more fruits and vegetables 
• I never would have thought this would be a problem for me, yet here I am
• Not going on social media when I think I have nothing to do 
• Read a book
• Take more photos of what I see

I definitely believe this list will be ongoing until I am satisfied, and when I (hopefully!!) do I check in at the end of this year, I will show you what has been added to the list, and maybe what has been removed (though I really doubt anything is going to be removed from this list). 

Well, that's all I have to add for now! Until next time, cheers!