feeling unmotivated in the fashion space

 Recently, fashion has been such a blase topic, that no one wants to talk about it anymore. There are so many microtrends, fast fashion horrors, and the constantly changing social media space. What does that mean for the fashion of the individual, though?

I am a person who always expresses an interest in fashion, whether I've had style or not. For example, the outfit on the right was my favorite outfit of all time in 2017. I thought it was the most stylish pair of garments I owned. I don't think I would ever wear this today. 

Arguably, everyone has style, you just have to find the one that suits you best. Or so I thought. 

In this photo to the left, I am only 13 years old, so I am giving myself a little slack. But, what really goes into 'style'?

This is going to be a lot more droning on and on but just work with me. I promise I will try to articulate myself properly. I also got super inspired when I watched this video essay by Mina Le, talking about the evolution of her personal style, so you should watch that, too. 

We can not talk about this without talking about the impact of social media and how it changes our needs and wants. At this point, it's pretty obvious that social media impacts our mental health, especially young people, who are easily influenced by creators on these apps that tell you what is "in" or "out". I should know, I am super guilty of this.

As a person who grew up watching creators like Bestdressed and Emma Chamberlain, it just seems like you need to constantly be purchasing clothes and keeping up with trends that are set by people like them. The thing is, I don't blame them either. They probably felt the need to constantly keep up with this never-ending, vicious cycle that forced them to keep buying clothes to stay on top of trends. In fact, I know that this is true because both of these creators have taken a massive step back in recent years and stopped uploading as frequently, or entirely. As for Emma Chamberlain--who is the person who uploads sometimes-- does not post content about hauls, but more about living a minimalist lifestyle in some regard

This is also unrelated, but both of these women have gone on to pursue a high fashion career, and now I see them at fashion shows all the time. I love them. 

At the time of their YouTube prime (late 2010s--early 2020s), this was the normal kind of video for creators to make that was relatable content. But recently, I've seen both of them talk about their openness of feeling the constant pressure to purchase clothes they didn't even wear for an Instagram post, just to never wear them again. This naturally leads to the death of personal style. They aren't even wearing clothes because they like them. This has now trickled down to individual people, like me. 

I often find myself scrolling through Pinterest, saving outfits to my outfit board because I think they are cute. I recently scrolled through my outfit board, and I don't think I would wear about half of what is there. Of course, there is nothing inherently wrong with this. You can acknowledge when someone looks good in something, without thinking you would wear it too. 

The real issue to dive into here is how can you develop a personal style right now? Should you even bother with a personal style? 

I would even go on to argue that the phrase "personal style" is dying to clarify my stance on the matter.

Personally, I have felt so bored with my clothes and how I wear them. So much to the point where I don't even want to bother trying to thrift or buy new clothes, let alone explore my options within my wardrobe. This is where I get confused, because why does it feel so tired already? Why is my brain conditioned to feel this way about clothes I bought only two months ago? 

I think my answer to it all is that everything is too overwhelming all the time. By this, I want to clarify that there is too much noise that prevents us from truly pursuing what we find interesting. The number of videos I've seen of wonderful women asking what the next big trend is is actually killing me a little. I would rather have you purchase something YOU like than fit in with a trend that will probably only last two months anyway! There are too many things that are in our faces telling us what to wear and where to buy it, that everything that isn't exactly on trend feels wrong, or boring. 

It is not that brave to say we need to stop overconsuming mass social media content, we all know it at this point. But, it is important to acknowledge it and point it out. Let's all become more digitally literate in 2025. 

There was not that much I had to say that would necessarily add to this conversation, just mostly repeating the things I've learned from others. However, I want to hold myself accountable when I say I will stop caving into trends just because they are popular and really start to understand what I actually like and what actually looks good and feels good. 

That's pretty much all I have today, until next time! Happy New Year!! We made it. I hope to write lots more on this blog in the upcoming year, and I will hold myself to it!

how come everyone else has it figured out?

Sometimes I go through these strange crises where I feel like I am always doing everything wrong. I know I am not the only person that experiences this (my best friend and I talk about this almost every day), but for some reason, we can never reach a solution. Before I decided to actually go to a four-year university, I did not question my choices nearly as much as I do now. 

As a twenty year old moving to a new city and going to a new college is already a lot to handle. And, upon arrival, I realized that being a Business Administration major was not the person I am, or going to be after I graduate. It is tough to reach the decision of changing your college course (throwing everything away that you've been studying for almost two years), or doing something that would make you happy.

When you put it this way, it seems too simple. 

Of course, everyone wants to say they would always pick the latter choice. I would probably say that, too. But as I am reeling through this process, it seems to get more difficult as the days move forward. My main issue is plain and simple: I still don't know what I want to do with my life after college. 

For some reason, I have never once in my life thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up--I honestly never had answer to that question--and I guess that carries on to adulthood now. You can tell when people are definitive about their career choice. It looks confident, happy, anticipation for what comes next. I'm not sure I've ever had that look. 

A lot of times, I'm just so frustrated with myself because I have not found that passion yet. I always ask the question: why does everyone know what they want to do, but I can't make a simple decision? 

The short answer is not everyone has it figured out. Honestly, probably most people you encounter at this beautiful age of twenty don't know what they;re doing. Yeah, of course they don't. They all just wear a facade like you do. 

All of this talk about crises and how to cope with them has made me realize that all of the things that itnerest me will of course begin with struggle. It will probably be struggle for a long, aching time. But I guess that is life that is made for me. Now I must learn how to move forward while struggling. We should all learn to be more uncomfortable (this is just a reminder for myself, really). 

That's all I have on this for now, until next time. 

a fun week(end) with my friends!

 This post is a little more exciting than the other ones I've been making recently, yippee!! But seriously, I am super lucky to have friends in my life who are willing to come visit me on the other side of the great state of California. Two of my friends came up to see my best friend and me and also to celebrate Halloween with us. 

It was a really fun weekend overall, and I thought I would share some of my favorite moments here! This was my costume on Halloween night; I went as a sad clown with two of my friends, Jake and Megan. The toughest time of the whole trip was finding things to do, and we definitely struggled on this night for things to do. For our main event, we decided to go to a house show for a little bit, but we ultimately ended up walking around the city for most of the night because we weren't sure what else there was to do. There should be some context here: the city we go to school in has an issue with unsafe Halloween events occurring on the actual weekend Halloween falls on, so everyone throws parties the weekend before. Until we actually went to school here, we didn't know this, so we told our friends to come up thinking there would be tons of stuff to do when in reality there wasn't. We still made the most of it though and I think we all enjoyed ourselves pretty well this night. 

The next day, we did virtually nothing, because it was raining the whole time we were awake. It was a much-needed rest day for everyone. We spent the day playing board games and talking about ourselves. 

Brace yourselves because this is the day when things get crazy (I'm kidding, kind of). We live very close to a national park with a volcanic mountain in it, and since it rained all day on Friday, we decided Saturday would be a great opportunity to see the snow if it was cold enough at the mountain. So, we made the hour and a half drive up, and sure enough there was almost two feet of snow on the ground by November 2nd! This was also my best friend's first time seeing snow that she remembers. I am so grateful that she had a good experience because honestly, I was a little nervous there would be nothing left on the ground. 

It was the right kind of snow too! The powdery kind that you can fall into without hurting yourself (though to be honest, we all tried to fall into the snow and we all hurt our heads, whoops). I have never lived in snow before, so I'm sure this doesn't seem nearly as magical if you live somewhere like Illinois or something, bear with me. 

This weekend taught me a lot about my friendships, and how important they are to a person's life. I am so grateful I have these wonderful people in my life that I can talk to about anything. Living away from home is hard, but it's really only like this because I've lost a majority of my support system. I am just so extremely lucky that I live with my best friend who understands me so deeply. If you are to receive anything in your life, I truly hope that everyone receives a best friend. 

Well, I suppose this concludes my weekend, even though I am quite literally almost three weeks late with this post. I hope that if this reaches you, I am thinking of you fondly and I want everyone to feel loved right now. Until next time, cheers!

why am i feeling lonely?

 Hi guys, a little bit of a selfish topic I wanted to talk about today, mostly because it has been on my mind the most recently. Around this time of year, I tend to feel extremely strong feelings of loneliness when there really is no reason to feel this way. I find myself spending a lot of time alone, even when I have many people around me I love. It's most likely because this time of year is when it gets dark earlier at night, and the weather is less warm. 

So, basically what I just described to you is seasonal depression. In general, I think I'm a pretty depressed person, or at least my point of happiness is pretty low in comparison to other people. Loneliness has been on my mind especially this year because this is my first time living away from my family. I live with my best friend, but sometimes I think I get too overwhelmed and I have to be by myself for a while. 

I wanted to put this out there because I feel like not a lot of people talk about this feeling when they have it. At least I know I don't tell the people in my life because I don't want to sound rude or make it seem like they aren't doing enough. 

The thing is, I am not sure how I would go about solving this issue. I get overwhelmed and want to spend time with myself, but when I spend time with myself I get an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Not sure how to approach this vicious cycle. Today was the first day that it rained for more than an hour. I think that is what made me feel the need to type this out. I usually love the rain, but this one felt a little more sad than usual. I found myself doing a lot of introspection on the choices I've made, and how they have changed my life. 

When I think too much about my choices, I think too much of the other possibilities rather than the one I am in. All of the different possibilities of choices I make are little streams of water that eventually conjoins into one big flowing river when it all comes down to it. The chances are, even when there are so many more possibilities out there, the stream you flow with is the one that you are supposed to pick because it's the life you are living at this moment. I suppose this statement is a lot more self-soothing than it is to help anyone who is reading this. 

Anyway, I feel like this has leaned away from a feeling into a philosophical movement that I really don't want to partake in right now. I am sorry if this comes off as weird or too vulnerable. But what does too vulnerable even mean. Until next time!

song of the week: caught by a wind - dj suzy

 This one is going to be short and sweet because I just have to let the public know how much I love this song! Here is the embedded track: 

 Something about this song feels so whimsical, like I floating off of the ground while spinning around in circles in a forest at the twilight hour. 

I think I am going to make this a weekly segment, something short and something to look forward to! Please give this a listen if you want to channel manic pixie dream girl energy this fall 🍂

fashion favs for the fall

 Well, it's about that time of year: we are heading into the months when I think fashion really gets its chance to thrive (at least if you live in California, and it's too hot, like 60 percent of the year, for me to wear what I want). I would like to believe that I have an elevated sense of fashion, but chances are I am just like everyone else in their own minds. Not that anything is wrong with that, of course, but we can all remind ourselves of that occasionally.

Before we actually get into the things I want to see on people's bodies this season, I feel like we all need to address the elephant in the room: people are buying too many cheap pieces of clothing. This causes trend cycles to end significantly quicker than they usually would, especially with the presence of social media telling the consumer that they need the new next big thing otherwise they are going to be left out. I do not want this post to be like that at all, I am just writing about the styles I like. I actually feel really passionate about this subject, and I might write a post about it in the future, but that's beside the point.

I don't know what has taken over my body, mind, and soul recently, but I am really hoping that the once loved now hated "indie sleaze" makes a full revival in the next year or so--mostly because I wish I could have lived that life in 2014--but also because I genuinely believe it is a perfect time to do so: there are so many icons in our generation right now that look at indie sleaze for their fashion. Charli XCX and Aaliyah's Interlude are the first two people I think of, but only because I feel like they get the most attention for their outfits. While Aaliyah has established her own Aaliyah core, I can't help but notice a few things borrowed from Indie Sleaze, which I am absolutely here for, don't get me wrong. I'm just glad the style is seeing the light of day again.

Pinterest has been my best friend lately, at least when it comes to making my perfect fall 2024 mood board. I will link it for you here so you can take a look. I have been obsessed with the colorful and/or patterned tights under dresses/shorts/skirts for the longest time and I am really hoping that this is the year it sees a true revival. Twee style and Indie Sleaze are distant cousins, and it is because of the tights paired with shorts/dresses. I just happen to love both styles, lucky me.
I myself have invested in quite a few pairs of colorful tights, and am hoping to expand to maybe one or two pairs of patterned ones this season. I am a big sucker for red, blue, yellows, and purple right now, but I am always open to ideas.

I don't think it's bold to say that scarves are making a comeback again. Not to say that they were technically ever "out", but I've seen so many more people wearing them for fashion instead of function. I must say that I have been LOVING those skinny scarves that are striped and alternating between two colors. This is a moment where I wish I knew how to knit or crochet or something so I could make one for myself. 

There are so many more things that I want to talk about for this season, but I think I will only add one more before I close this out. I have been really obsessed with mini dresses that have sleeves on them. Not necessarily long sleeves, but closer to a baby or bell sleeve. I am not always a fan of a boxy style, but this one just makes sense to me. I wish I had a better explanation, I really do, but that's the best I can offer right now.

I have been thrifting about 95 percent of my clothes for about two years now, and while I love the challenge, sometimes (more often than not) I wish I lived in a place like NYC because I am sure there is so much stuff at the thrift stores there. But maybe it's just as expensive as buying stuff from actual websites. I guess I didn't think about that. I strongly encourage everyone to do the same, though. The people that say all of the stuff in their thrift stores are bad, are plain wrong, in my opinion. I have never been to a thrift store ever where I didn't find something that was slightly cute, you just have to be patient and dig. 

That is all I have to offer on this subject for now, I plan to update this on what I find at the thrift stores around, and if my opinions change on what styles I want to be wearing this fall, and what I would love to see on other people. Until next time!

album review: a moon shaped pool - radiohead

If you want, you should play the album while you read this review! Let's get started.

A Moon Shaped Pool has been in my on repeat catalog for the last few weeks, so I wanted to review the album here to talk about what makes this album so special to me. Before I even dive into the aspects of this album that I find to be mesmerizing, I must clarify that I am already a huge Radiohead fan, so I honestly find anything by them (except for The King of Limbs, sorry it's just not nearly as special as their other projects) to be some of my favorite music ever. 

I found myself listening to this album while I was reading Rouge by Mona Awad—which I strongly recommend doing, as I feel that they pair beautifully together—which could very well be another reason why I found this album to be so wonderful. This is one of Radiohead's later LPs, so it kind of surprises me to see how well-received this album was. I think I will do a full track-by-track analysis of the entire album, so let's start that. I want to disclaim that I really forgot all of my music theory training, so I don't know what I'm talking about for basically all of the points I make in this post.

Burn the Witch

This opening song is a lot more fast-paced than any other song on this album, which I find to be misleading, but also fascinating. It was the first song of the album I heard before going through the entirety of A Moon Shaped Pool because I found the tempo and string pattern to really replicate that of a witch trial occurring in a small village. This sets up the album to be some kind of anxiety-inducing, high tempo, fever dream, when in reality it is only two of the three: at times extremely anxiety-ridden and feverish to the point where I found me having to take off my headphones multiple times to make sure I was still actually listening to the album. 

Daydreaming

The second song of the album starts with a dreamy, almost offputting synth track that never fails to amaze me (at times I even just looped the beginning ten seconds). This easily places in my top three tracks from this album because of the intro, but also the inevitable build to the end of the track. Thom Yorke naturally has a somber tone whenever he sings, and I feel like his voice was made for a song like this. I love to hear the echoing clips of his voice throughout the track, as it further contributes to that uneasy feeling this song gives. The use of strings on this album is also perfect; it does not overpower the rest of the instruments used, but it still stands out enough for it to make a big difference. 

Decks Dark

Moving into the third track, I find it to borrow a few pieces from the previous track. The use of a dreamy, muffled piano, with more of the background ethereal tremors that play throughout the song on the right side (when listening with headphones) staunchly reminds me of Daydreaming, but I feel like it was intentional to lay these two tracks back-to-back to of course point out their similarities, but to also emphasize the differences. 

Desert Island Disk

I love the western-ish guitar riff that jumps the song into Yorke's serene vocals. I always love to hear an ambient synth in songs and of course, this song does just that. Honestly, I am always a sucker for impressive string work on a guitar so maybe that's why I find myself loving this song so much. On top of the guitar work, this song has a nice cymbal-heavy drum pattern that compliments the other instruments well. 

Ful Stop

This is probably the second fastest-tempo song on the album. It opens with a muffled bass loop that sounds like it could be in a car chase for a movie but swiftly changes into something a lot more ethereal with the layered synths that merge in within the minute mark. The drums seem to borrow lightly from a drum and bass style (which is also something I love deeply) that once again, just seems to make sense for the song's vibe. I have come to realize that Radiohead is really good at figuring out "what makes sense" in all of their songs, but truly I don't know how to describe it besides that. Even when the drums roll in completely, it's not overwhelming. Along with the drums, Yorke uses more of an airy, pitchy voice for the remainder of the song. Because of course, he does, because it makes sense.

Glass Eyes

Oh my god, the beginning of this song is so beautiful. Seriously, I feel like I just died and I am floating in a pool of the calmest, most serene water with overgrown plant life flowing out of it, but I am perfectly draped in white silk, as this song plays on loop. Maybe it's a bit of an exaggeration, sure, but you might feel the same if you listened to this song. Once again, I have to mention the perfection of the strings, especially on this track. Yorke's voice effortlessly fits with the strings as well. I also find this song to correlate strongly to Yorke's personal life involving his divorce from his first wife, as the overwhelming sadness of this song seems to be that of a person who loves someone they can no longer have. 

Identikit

The first time I listened to this song, I thought of it as the most unmemorable on the album. Now that I listen to it again and again, it's hard for me to say that about any song, but especially this one. I think I initially felt this way because I was so entranced with Glass Eyes that any song that followed it would have disappointed me at least a little. I enjoyed the end the most with the harmonizing guitar solos, and I always love a drum beat that uses the rim of the drum rather than the actual snare. 

The Numbers

I feel like this song is a classic Radiohead song. If someone asked me to pick three songs that sum up Radiohead's general vibe, I would probably pick this song as one of my options. A coherent, classic sound, mixed with a few electronic, dreamlike pieces that fit perfectly with that classic sound. It's good, but not my favorite on the album. I must say that I love the big build-up at the end of the song, followed by scattered, heavenly chords played on the piano. 

Present Tense

I liked this song, but once again I did not find myself overly obsessed with it the way I was for some of the other songs on this album. I feel bad because I don't have that much to say about this one, but I don't want to write unnecessary things. Let's move on.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor Rich Man Poor Man Beggar Man Thief

Yeah, okay the name is long. Whatever. I am going to fuck up a somber, keyboard progression every time. So of course I love this song. I feel like this song perfectly rounds up what it's like to be in your room when you know everyone else is out, and you know you're missing out on a lot of stuff, but for some reason, you don't do anything about it. There is that pang of anxiety written into this song that you can't seem to forget about when you listen to it, but it's not like it's annoying. It's actually really comforting. Also, I love a string descent into madness, which is what happens at the end of this song. It really is fabulous. 

True Love Waits

A perfect roundup song for this album. Incredibly somber, dark, moody, whatever you want to call it because you can use all of these words to describe it. I feel like the little piano chords played are like a glimmer of hope to salvage an already failing relationship, that most people are afraid to let go of even though they know they should. I've never once had this happen to me in real life, but because of this song, I know exactly what it is going to sound like when it happens eventually. This is also a perfect song to listen to when you watch the rain fall outside since the glimmering hope of the piano chords can easily be replaced by the pitter-patter of raindrops you hear from your window. 

With that, we have reached the end of this album. I really would love to keep doing this with other albums, so that's what I'm gonna do! Thanks for reading if you did, until next time. 

recently read: rouge by mona awad

 Today I bring you my most recent read of 2024: Rouge by Mona Awad. This is the second book I've read by her (the first being Bunny) and I have really come to like her writing style. The main character, Mirabelle -- also referred to as Belle in the story -- has such interesting internal dialogue, and the writing style of the novel fits the bill perfectly. The story follows a woman whose mother just mysteriously passed away on the cliffs of La Jolla, in San Diego. She also finds herself weirdly obsessed with skincare videos by the same individual. She travels from Montreal to deal with her mother's piling debts and rundown apartment when she attends a haunting French spa on the cliffs. 

I found this story much more intriguing than Bunny, but maybe I am biased. As a San Diego local myself, we all wonder what the hell is happening on the La Jolla cliffs because the people who own houses there are so obscenely rich they have to be doing some kind of creepy ritual or whatnot. It is always interesting to see how color shapes a story, and this is a perfect example. The spa's main colors are black, white, and red, with lots of shades of gray/silver in the mix. These colors play a great part in Belle's skincare obsession and her crumbling relationship with her mother that leads up to her untimely death. 

Belle is a main character that you initially will probably dislike, because she seems to be a rambling, almost insufferable downer about everything, even when she claims not to miss her mother. However, as the story progressed, I found myself wanting her to solve her deep-rooted trauma and escape from those shackles. 

The supporting characters were almost perfect in my eyes. I loved all of them in their own ways: Tad, a stereotypical Californian, Sylvia, a pretentious older La Jolla native, and Hud Hudson (funny name), the beautiful investigator. Of course, many other supporting characters contribute to the weirdness of the Rouge Spa, but I don't want to give away too much in case you want to read it too. 

I saw people saying this was a retelling of Snow White, but honestly, it was really hard for me to even notice the story lining up the same way Snow White does. It is a great spinoff if that was her intention in writing and you won't even be able to tell this was inspired from a fairytale. I am very much looking forward to reading her next book, whenever that comes out. 

a little info

 Today is the day that I started this new blog. I have made other ones in the past but I haven't kept up with them. I plan to keep up with this one to practice my writing skills and also to talk about things that excite me and whatever. Mainly I plan to talk about media I've seen and why I like it (and why I don't). I really want to focus on music and movies, but I will also talk about books when I actually finish one. 

There are a lot of things to catch you up on here, but I don't even know where to begin. How do I go through 20 years of my life in a consolidated, five-paragraph blog post? I don't actually know. I am spending my first autumn/winter in a place that almost feels like those are real seasons. I am from San Diego, so those don't really exist in my mind. Northern California gives you almost every kind of season. Except snow. Where I live at least. One of my friends told me that once it rains, it doesn't stop. Lucky for me I love the rain so I'll be just fine with that. 

Maybe I can also fill you in on my experience in a new city. I have no memory of living in a different place other than San Diego (even though I lived nearby San Francisco for one of my baby years), so it is overly exciting to be somewhere new. I don't know if people really prepare you for how lonely it is though. Even though I live here with my best friend, I go to a college with over 25,000 people my age, and the community is fairly outgoing, I still am finding myself in a rut of not fitting in with the crowd here. 

Everyone has told me it is because I am under 21. Everyone likes to drink here. People go to the bars or they go to fraternity-sponsored events. To be honest neither of these really sounds appealing to me, so I guess I'm shit out of luck. That being said, I have been trying to find a "third location" of sorts that can help me meet other people. Right now that place is a cafe that I go to almost three times a week. It also helps that I think one of the baristas is extremely attractive, but that is beside the point (more on this later). 

No more to say about this right now, I will start my journey here, technically on October 15, but I am updating this on the 17th instead.