am i emotionally unavailable?

 I can usually have about three bad days in a row before I start to get worried about myself. A bad day can be categorized by a few things: 

1. I barely got any sleep the night before, and it's obviously affecting my mind and body.

2. There's something on my mind from the night before and it's unfortunately carried over into the next day, still weighing on me.

3. I'm fighting with my parents (or someone else important in my life.)

4. I feel lonely and isolate myself for the whole day.

5. I spend the whole day on my phone. 

I might be a person with a low baseline happiness -- I don't require a lot to be content. But I think that also interferes with my ability to connect with others on a deeper level. Sometimes it's pretty obvious too. My other friends just treat each other differently, and it's because I'm the problem. I'm reserved around a lot of people, even my family most of the time. When there is nothing to say, I don't say it. Recently, I think these traits are really coming back to bite me in the ass. But that's kinda just me, I don't know what else to do about that. Authenticity is more valuable than false niceties. 

Anyway, I've had about five bad-to-neutral days in a row, and I'm just wanting to complain about it. I don't complain out loud a lot, so allow me to make space for it here. 

A critical social aspect of me is lost and I don't know where I dropped it. 

Next time I won't be as gloomy and wallowing as I am today, but until next time, cheers.

notes app entries

I thought it would be fun to share every notes app entry in my phone (that isn't too vulnerable like my school email password other things of that nature), and I'm going to try and catalog them from the very beginning. 

Eventually, I'll be caught up and I can share ones that happen in real time. When that happens, I'll update this too! 

struggling to feel comfortable with the choices i've made

Uncertainty is something I know will be a constant throughout my life, like a friend holding my hand. I deeply struggle to grow into the uncertainty, and to understand that everyone has it and is probably experiencing the same emotions as me. Nowhere is this feeling more prominent than in the career path I chose, journalism. 

The thing is, I love writing and connecting with a large audience. I like the principles of journalism and its importance in our societal function. It is necessary. But, do I really see myself covering hard news for the rest of my life? Honestly, no. And that's not the kind of journalist I would strive to be. 

Before I even changed my major about two years ago, I imagined that was the life I was destined for: living in a cramped apartment, books and papers strewn about and all I can focus on is my hectic work schedule. Enticing, but simply, it felt as though it were a distraction to something much greater. 

It might be immature to assume that is the only life path available with my degree, which I know is not true. However, seeing friends and peers graduate and move on to their careers, they have all seemed to fall in line and pursue a similar lifestyle to what I described above. That thought alone makes the idea of myself moving on with my career to be a very real choice I've made. How can I know that I'm on the right track?

I'm young, there's lots of life left. Even though it's easy to give into all the possible "what-ifs" and "could-haves", the strength to accept the current life path must prevail. But truly, sometimes it also feels like I am destined for something greater--is that too selfish of me to assume? Even though the idea of fading into the background seems comfortable, there are parts of me that call out to this fantasy and are increasingly hard for me to ignore.

Fantasy is wild because you really can believe yourself to be anything. Truthfully, I can't even imagine would my "something greater" would even look like. Do I have hobbies and passions? Yes. Do I want to devote my entire soul and being into one single thing? I don't know. I am not one of those people who are placed on Earth and are destined to one thing, like they were born to do it. 

I was always kind of jealous of those people. Effortless. 

But at the end of the day, I'm a broke college student who still believes the world revolves around her...how unique. I hope I don't come off as too whiny here, it's hard for me to talk about these kind of feelings without feeling like some self-obsessed freak. Anyway, that's all I have for today. Until next time, cheers! 

moving in / the pit of summer

 This summer, I was gifted with the opportunity of packing up my cramped two-bedroom apartment, and fleeing to a spacious, six-bedroom, two-story home just across town. The best part? I'm living with my closest friends I've made since moving to Chico, and of course, my hometown best friend. 

The huge window brings in so much natural light!  

The house itself is to die for: bright turquoise exterior with outstretching limbs of lavender plants sprawling across the front yard. It's a historical home -- the property's land deed was gifted from the founders of the town I live in. the archways all have a curvature to them, a strong indicator that the integrity of the home is preserved in its original form. A brick chimney tunnels into a beautiful, working fireplace in the living room, the mantle adorned with nails in it for stocking during the holiday season. The downstairs bathroom is adorable (and pink!), and the kitchen floor is tiled in a checkerboard pattern. 

But truly, the showstopper in my eyes is the upstairs. All of the bedrooms are so adorable, they all have such a cozy vibe to them because they all have a kind of loft ceiling. My bedroom is up here, naturally. I took the one with the most windows, because I know that I'll be able to watch the seasons change from my room. I imagine watching the rain pour down during the fall, and the birds chirping in the spring. Right now though, it's fucking hot, and arguably the worst room to have during the scorching summer. 

Saying goodbye to the old apartment was kind of sentimental. She treated us so well, with care. It was the first place I called home away from my parents. It was the first place I did a lot of things: hosted a party, smoked indoors, helped my best friend get through a breakup. She's seen the ugliest sides of me, but I know she's seen the best too. It's weird to completely abandon a place you've spent so much time in. In a way, it's a breakup within itself. 

It's also a new beginning. I can tell this new home is going to create so many memories. I've only lived in it for a few weeks but it's already full of stories. 

Summer is a weird time for me, always. I feel like I should love it, but really, it's my least favorite part of the year, if it really came down to it. I'm born during the summer (June 28, never forget it), so I always think this should be my most transformative period of the year, but really it always seems like the most intense. I fight with my parents, I feel out of place in situations that should feel comfortable, the list goes on. 

This is a special summer, though because it's the first one where I'm spending a majority of it away from my family, and not in San Diego. It's a breath of fresh air to be away, but I find myself feeling a little nostalgic for the things I used to do. I remember the salty air always blowing in my hair from the ocean, walking on the warm sidewalk while the sun paints the sky a beautiful collage of pinks and oranges, the purple jacaranda flowers falling from my backyard tree. My mom would get so annoyed when they got stuck to our shoes and we tracked them through the house. 

I enjoy the freedom, and the peace. But I also miss the chaos of scrambling for a family trip, remembering a toothbrush on the way out. In those moments I dreamed of the life I live now, so maybe I just want what I can't have. 

Clearly, there is lots to think about. Until next time, cheers! 

outfit evolution

Hi.

I've been thinking a lot about my fashion choices, primarily because seasons are changing, and it's starting to become my favorite time of year for fashion. I am a fan of layering in an outfit, and when it becomes too hot, basically all opportunity for that melts away with the snow. 

Fashion has always been a part of my life. I liked to dress up, wear my nana's old opera costumes and prance around the house like a celebrity. Even when I was a strange middle schooler I still thought I had fashion sense (I promise that I absolutely didn't, you'll see in these photos). And today, I think I am pretty proud of the way I choose to express myself. 

Today I thought I would take you on my journey through aesthetics, countless thrifted tops and interesting haircuts. 

Starting off strong with one of my FAVORITE outfits in middle school. I think this was in seventh grade, and I had just gotten this top at old navy to replace one that I had in a different pattern. 

These shorts were from Nordstrom and my grandma had bought them for me as a birthday present. I thought I was such a cool girl because they were from Nordstrom, I don't think I ever gotten anything from there unless she bought it for me. 

I loved my white Converse high-top shoes, so much to the point they started to turn yellow after only a year of having them. 

This photo was taken on my beloved iPhone 5S, I still miss her everyday.

You guys...I really thought this was so aesthetic. I remember taking this and thinking it was going to go viral on Tumblr because of the shirt I was wearing...obviously it didn't. 

I really loved this shirt for some reason. I got it from an online order, but they accidentally sent it to me, so I just kept it. Long sleeve shirts were my absolute favorite during my sophomore year in high school, I have no idea why. It was never really cold where I lived (San Diego), so there was really no need to wear it. 

These shorts were so cute to me because they weren't super tight. They were one of my first H&M purchases -- a store where I thought cool girls shopped -- and I remember my mom thinking they were way too short. 

Uh-oh...heading into 2020 is moving into uncharted waters. This was really when I started trying out other aesthetics that were super trendy on TikTok and Instagram. Although at this point in time I still didn't have Instagram. 

I loved drinking Americanos from Starbucks for some reason -- I literally don't even like the flavor of their espresso on its own -- and I would add a sweetener for some reason. It did not taste good. 

I bought these jeans from an online store based in Asia and I was so worried they weren't going to fit. To my surprise they did, but as soon as I dried them they shrunk about three inches and I couldn't wear them again because they looked ridiculous. 

 I LOVED this cardigan, and I think I got it at the swap meet with my Dad. It had little details of flowers in light brown, and it was super warm. I lost it almost two months after I bought it.

Really starting to kick it into e-girl territory here. I dyed my hair this ridiculous teal color, and it basically stayed permanent in my head for about eight months, until I paid a hair stylist a ridiculous amount of money to get it out of my scalp. 

This shirt was from my dad, who loved Alice in Chains but hated this shirt for some reason. I loved wearing legwarmers with any outfit I possibly could and obviously this was no exception. 

This skirt was something I held onto from middle school. I bought it at Tilly's, which was another store I thought cool girls shopped at. 

These shoes were one of my proudest purchases from Poshmark. They were these darling platform loafer things that had such a thick heel. I thought they were so sassy. One day when I wore them to school, as I was walking to class the sole of one them completely snapped off, and I was unable to repair them. I miss them dearly.

Here's another outfit from 2021, with the hair dye still present and haunting me. This is when we first adopted one of our dogs, Rigby. 

I bought this floral skirt from Old Navy, one of the few places my Mom and I liked to go shopping together (although I must admit I haven't been in the past few years). 

The tank top was just something that was old and in my mom's closet I knew she wouldn't miss if I took. 

I thought this was so incredibly chic and "cottagecore" of me --- looking back at it now I'm not too sure if that's true. 

Doing things like this are so much fun to me, because I think there are little pieces of each moment that contribute to the outfits I still wear today, which is where we are headed next.

DISCLAIMER: I'm picking this back up after taking a few months off. I think even since I started drafting this post my personal style has already evolved into a different vision than what I thought I wanted in November.  Now, we get to move into my favorite part, showing you some of the outfits I've actually wearing recently, because I feel like it's only right for you to see this part of myself that I am particularly proud of. 

Here's an outfit I wore just a few weeks ago: as you can see, there are multiple layers to this outfit that make it seem a little more elevated. Underneath the jacket, I have a layered long sleeve and short sleeve top. 

I also added white tights to contrast the darkness of my skirt and boots combination, and I think it balances the outfit extremely well! I felt very confident walking around in this. 

As you can see, I love taking outfit photos in this mirror. This is essentially a variant of the first outfit, but I wanted to show that there can be a sort of "equation" when it comes to making a nice balanced outfit. You can reuse the same techniques while also adding a touch of uniqueness to it, completely changing the aesthetic of the outfit. 

In this outfit, using a hooded cardigan for the top layering piece gives off a different vibe than the sports jacket I wore i the picture above. These outfits also share a similar color scheme-- actually, most of my closet does honestly-- but it doesn't necessarily matter unless that is the focus you are going for. 

Color is not the first thing that comes into my mind when I am building an outfit in the morning, however, I would like to change that. 

I feel that color is extremely underrated when it comes to outfit creation. Especially right now, a lot of trending aesthetics revolve around the neutral base of navy, black, white and gray. Yes, I fall victim to this trap, but at least I'm aware! So, as a personal goal, I want to make more of an effort to add more color into my outfits in the year of 2026!

Finally, one of my last outfits is one that I wore at least weekly last semester. I simply adore this dress that I thrifted from my hometown store almost five years ago. 

In fact, it's really not even a dress, but definitely an old woman's nightgown, because unless I pin it in the back, it's quite possibly the most shapeless thing I own. Needless to say, it's not flattering unless I pin it, which also means there is usually a bunch of fabric on my back, so I pair it with a jacket. 

Since I wore this green zip-up (which is just another piece of clothing I'm obsessed with for some reason), I decided to wear a dark green tight underneath the dress so it would match the rest. My school bag is also green so this was a major win for me. 

I would like to proudly add that maybe 90% of my closet comes from thrift stores, friends or my mom, which also means sometimes they do not fit the best, and that is ok. 

Alright, well that just about wraps up this post. I really do love posting outfit photos and talking about my thought process, so maybe I will continue this and turn it into a "mini series" of sorts. But who knows, there are lots of things to consider. Until next time, cheers! 

meet me in the bathroom: my thoughts and hopes for the indie rock music scene

Two Christmases ago I asked for a book. This is not my usual behavior, if you know me, as I usually have a list filled anything that would involve using my brain academically in any manner. But, this book particularly piqued my interested because it involved one of my favorite things ever: music. Better than that, it also involved a group of musicians I adored (and also later learned to adore because of the book!)

So, I am here to offer my thoughts on the book overall, and what it did for Rock and Roll representation in America moving forward. 

The book opens with some smaller New York bands that I've never heard of, like Jonathan Fire*Eater. Early passages of the book include some of the grimier details behind the music scene in the late 90s/early 00s, like hard drug usage. 

Here is list of just a few of the musicians mentioned/interviewed in the book:

• LCD Soundsystem
• The Strokes
• Yeah Yeah Yeahs
• The Killers
• Regina Spektor
• Vampire Weekend
• Interpol
• The Rapture
• The White Stripes
• TV on the Radio
• ...and so many more

So, if you're into any of those artists, I strongly recommend checking out this book! It's really interesting to see the artists' perspective of their situation, how they handled (or didn't) their success and the behind the scenes of creating these influential pieces of music. 

What really popularized rock music was simply the age demographic who was putting money into these bands -- the dotcom boom erupted and allowed young people to get their hands on obscene amounts of money. With nothing to spend it on, they were giving their friends money and eventually correlated to those funds being put into the New York Music Scene.

This was great for those who needed it, but when the dotcom bubble finally burst, it left people stranded: those who dropped out of school or quit their jobs to focus on side projects were now forced to return to the corporate hell they desperately sought to escape. 

The beginnings of this book show a lot of parallels to our world now: young people are worried about the security of our future, job prospects aren't looking great and the world around us seems like it's only getting worse by the day. All that is communicated to us now is that our country (the U.S.) is more divided now than ever, and how we are the ones that are destined to fix it. Truthfully, it's exhausting.

Basically the entire time I was reading the book, I couldn't help but feel like art, especially art in forms of physical creation, is expiring in front of our eyes. No one has time to create anymore because we are all too focus on making ends meet or figuring out where the next meal is coming from. 

Also, I have a slightly unpopular side tangent: smoking culture needs a revival. This might be a shallow take, and I want to develop this even further, but I feel like the conversations, thoughts and ideas that come from those who have time to take a moment and reflect...which can be done in the span of time it takes to smoke a cigarette. 

On top of this, no one is staying up late maniacally smoking and creating art because there are more addictive things to be doing, like scrolling on your phone. It's hard to break this cycle when there are so many distractions going on at the same time. 

Moving back to the book, Lizzy Goodman, the author, does a fabulous job of communicating the glamour that comes with the lifestyle of rock and roll musicians while simultaneously showing the horrors that counteract: drug addiction and irreparable conflicts with the people closest to you are just scraping the top of the iceberg that the novel dives into. 

It makes you have FOMO for a time period; you had to be there to enjoy it. 

In current music trends, I can see an attempt to bring this sort of spirit back into underground music, and needless to say, I am thrilled. Our culture has seen a significant shift to structure and security, and while I obviously don't think it's necessarily bad for that shift to occur, I still think we are losing some carefree, fuck-it energy that the 2000s had.

Not to say that all is lost, though. Big cities are doing their heavy-lifting, hosting shows with smaller artists, but smaller cities, like the one I'm currently in, need to see a revival as well. There's a sense of community that comes together when a group of people is united through live music, and I want to be a part of it! 

Anyway, I don't think I can talk anymore about the book because I want you to read it if you're interested. That's all I have to say for now, until next time, cheers! 

little video

 I made a small video for a class I'm in, but I quite like it and I want to share it here too! The song is Duk Koo Kim by Sun Kil Moon, one of my favorite songs of all time! I hope you like it. 

new year same life

 Hello all, it's been so long since I've last seen you! I thought I would engage with this blog a bit more over my winter break, but honestly, I was just not motivated at all! 

I had a pretty rough winter break in terms of my family, someone close to me has passed and I think it's the first time I've really truly struggled with a loss. I had another relative die, but I was too mentally young to process it. 

I returned back to my college town and was greeted with the same bitter cold I reluctantly abandoned about a month ago. It's not even that I missed it, but that I longed for it when the southern air became too thick with salty ocean air for my tired lungs.

Something takes it out of me when I go home to southern California. I feel like I become a completely different version of myself, slipping away from my grounded soul in northern California.

The funny thing is, too, is that I don't even necessarily love northern California or what is in it. I simply long for the life I have built on my own the the constituents who take part in it. I miss my friends. I miss my apartment which houses those friends when I want to have a party. I miss the city that takes place in. 

Even though I haven't done much since I returned, there is a particular weight that gets lifted up from my chest when I am away from my previous life. Like I have no responsibility, like I don't owe anyone anything. 

School feels like a drag this semester. I don't feel like I am going to love my classes like I did last semester, and that's ok. It just makes my miniscule motivation levels dwindle even more. There's even a class I have that only allows two (2) absences for the whole semester! This is horrible news for someone like me, who loves to miss out on a class every once in a while (at least five times per semester).

It truly isn't a problem for me, though. I can still keep up with the class while not necessarily taking part in the in-person events of it. I don't think that will pass as an explanation to my professors, but it's worth pleading a case to you. 

Other than school, the only thing consuming my life right now is reality television! This is so funny for someone like me, because I never watched reality TV until this year. The show that got me hooked was none other than The Traitors, a Peacock original. 

If you don't know the plot of the show, essentially a bunch of reality TV (and other famous adjacent people) gather in a mansion in the Scottish countryside, hosted by Alan Cumming, and they all must indulge in a murderous survival game. A grand prize is earned throughout the show through missions, and the contestants must figure out who the traitors are if they want to win the prize. It's truly such a good premise, and people are willing to get nasty with each other it's really shocking.

My friends and I watched season three in less than five days. We just loved all of the people they had on: Dylan Efron (yes), BOSTON ROB!!, Bob the Drag Queen, etc.  All of them were just fabulous in the show. 

Don't even get me started on the cast of season four...ROB RAUSCH, Lisa Rinna, Tara Lipinski?! I can't wait to catch up with the season. 

Reality TV makes me feel like I learn about people's thought processes. I see their decisions being made based on relationships they have and the ones they don't. I'd like to believe my empathy grows with each episode I consume, even if that isn't entirely true. 

This year I feel a lot of change is going to spring up in my life. I'm excited, but I'm also nervous. I want to see what the world is going to offer me, and I plan on accepting it with an open embrace. 

Obviously my intentions remain pure to upload more on this blog, but I don't want to stay too firm in case I break my promise yet again. Until next time, cheers!